Estonia Announces Interest In Assuming America’s Role As Global Superpower

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TALLINN, ESTONIA—Submitting their candidacy for the rest of the world to consider, officials from Estonia reportedly announced their interest Tuesday in assuming America’s role as the global superpower. “It’s pretty clear that America really isn’t capable of being the planet’s hegemonic power any longer, so we thought, hey, why not Estonia?” said Estonia prime minister Kaja Kallas, adding that while the world’s 152nd-most-populous country that ranks 100th in GDP might not be the one that immediately springs to mind as best suited to shaping the global economic and political landscape into the future, Estonian officials felt like their country would do a good job. “For almost 100 years, the world as we know it has been dominated by a single superpower—America—that uses its financial and military might to impose its will on everyone else, so we’ve been slowly adding military capacity and making inroads into manipulating the global economic superstructure in order to show that we’ve got what it takes. We know it’s a lot of responsibility, what with toppling foreign governments and holding other countries hostage with sanctions and so forth, but we really feel like we’re up to the task. Obviously, there are other countries like China and India that seem interested as well, but we feel like Estonia is a nice non-controversial pick to control global fortunes and lead humanity into the, dare we say, Estonian Century? Now we’re just wondering who we speak to about this—do we ask the U.N.? We also have this idea for the E9, which is a group of nine global leaders run by Estonia. Anyway, it would be an honor to be considered, and honestly, if America can do it, it really can’t be that hard.” Estonian officials added that they would be happy to shadow America for a few months to gain some hands-on experience with being the global superpower while America continued to phase itself out of the role.