Ethical Diamond Company Only Uses White Children To Mine

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NEW YORK—Emphasizing that they aimed to be as transparent about their sourcing as possible, executives at the ethical diamond company OutShine told reporters Wednesday they only used white children to mine. “As a modern, sustainable diamond company that prioritizes making all of our products cruelty-free, we want to clarify that we only use the palest, most Caucasian minors to harvest our precious stones,” said CEO Jared Mills, adding that OutShine took the utmost care to ensure every single mine it used exclusively employed 10-year-olds with blond hair and blue eyes from affluent suburbs around Boston, Milwaukee, and the greater Chicagoland area. “When you buy one of our diamonds, you should feel proud and guilt-free knowing that the types of kids we send into mines have names like Harper, Ashlynn, and Murray. Yes, our child slaves are underage, criminally underpaid, and oftentimes abused or killed, but they are of European descent. And that only makes the diamonds more beautiful!” At press time, Mills was under fire after it was revealed that kidnapping and shipping white children to remote regions in Africa was irreversibly damaging to the environment.