SALEM, MA—In an impressive display of neutrality and fair-mindedness, sources confirmed Wednesday that the packaging for Better Oats Steel Cut Oatmeal refused to say which cooking method was preferred. “What’s so refreshing about these particular oatmeal-making directions is that they put both the stovetop and the microwave method on equal footing,” said local woman Grace Mandeville, lauding the oatmeal packaging for its unswerving commitment to combating systemic bias that fail consumers by only presenting them with cherry-picked information about the ease of preparation allowed by microwaving or the classic taste guaranteed by the stovetop method. “Quaker Oats’ packaging treats you like a child with the constant editorializing about how it goes great with raisins and brown sugar. Here, though, they respect my intelligence enough to let me decide for myself. I appreciate that.” At press time, a desperately hungry Mandeville had begun to eat a granola bar after realizing she had no idea how to decide between the two cooking options.
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