Every State’s Favorite Pickup Lines

“SOOOOO-IE!”

[Standing up as tall as possible to ward off predators.]

“Let’s go fuck in one of vibrant downtown Phoenix’s many fine hotel rooms.”

“President Clinton would love a brief word with you.”

“You’ll do until I’m ready for an upgrade.”

“Hey, attractive pal, can I interest you in some imminent sex? It’ll be one blast!”

“My dad is rich.”

“The upstanding Sen. Chris Coons would not approve of what we’re about to do.”

“I lost my phone number. Do you know who I am?”

“Well, ain’t you sweeter than a Georgia kiwi.”

“I’m on a honeymoon, but it’s not serious.”

“How much of this potato do you think I could fit in my mouth?”

“Damn, you look like you don’t plan to live here permanently.”

“And Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the Lord slew him. And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.”

“So how long have you been a butter cow?”

“Get in the truck.”

“What, you think we all fuck horses here? The horses from the Kentucky Derby? Really? Well, I’ve got news for you. The horses don’t want us. Believe me, we’ve tried! It just isn’t going to happen. The horses have some sort of thing where they won’t fuck humans. If you get a horse who seems even a little interested, it’s probably some kind of trap. That’s how uptight the horses are, okay? So don’t even think for a second that that’s what the situation is here, because frankly, you’re way off.”

“Your swamp or mine?”

“Nice vest. Very sensible.”

“I’ve had my source down at the agency assemble data on you, and I think we’d be rather compatible.”

“Fuck you, you fucking queer.”

[Running nude through the mall] “Horny!!!”

“Oh ya, hi there.”

“No one gotta know what happens in the river.”

“Eh, you’ll do.”

“You ever been with a mountain before?”

“Are you a combine harvester? Because I got tangled up in you and might not survive.”

“A beautiful woman like you belongs in one of the higher-end brothels.”

“The world is harsh and cruel, but we find a way to persevere. My love will test you similarly.”

“Let’s fuck before one of us moves to Florida.”

“Cancel your plans. We’re going to some godforsaken craft fair.”

“I’m not harassing you, I’m Italian.”

“I’ll have the pulled pork.”

“Sex would be a great distraction from our immediate circumstances.”

“When they closed the factories, it was guys like us that paid the price. Guys who used their hands for generations were suddenly out of a job for no other reason than some fat cat who never saw a factory floor in his goddamn life wanted another Porsche. What happened to America?”

“Let’s you and me go somewhere the Lord can’t see us.”

“Let’s upcycle this conversation to be more sexually friendly.”

“If you want to fuck we better hurry because Rumspringa ends tomorrow.”

“I like doing it with Connecticut and Massachusetts watching.”

“It’s not like there are a million other ways to pass the time in this hurricane shelter.”

“Ever get laid in a president’s nostril?”

“I am not a singer-songwriter, nor do I pursue music on the side.”

“You look pre-pregnant. I can fix that.”

“That skirt looks very godly on you.”

“Cum fuck shit ass fuck fuck cum cock fuck cum pussy cum cum!”

“You want to join my historical reenactment of the Chancellorsville soldiers getting jerked off by their generals before battle?”

“We can give you the carbon credits if you do some over-the-pants stuff for me.”

“Well, we’ve been trapped in this collapsed mine for six days now, and it doesn’t seem like help’s coming.”

“Can I buy you a keg?”

“Given our low population, it’s me or a relative.”