MILWAUKEE—As soon as they arrived at local bar and grill Maguire’s, all four members of a local group of friends began drinking beer solely as a means to help them tolerate their interactions with one another, each of the men individually told reporters Tuesday. “I love going out with Adam, Mike, and Justin after work, but I’ve found that I need to have a Fat Tire or two to keep from getting too annoyed at the unbelievably obnoxious or dull things that each one of them has to say,” said 29-year-old William Hastings, echoing the exact sentiments of his three companions, all of whom admitted to ordering multiple drinks to make it easier to sit through their friends’ awful opinions on pop culture, poorly thought-out political views, and long, uninteresting accounts of their lives. “As long as I grit my teeth real hard and drink a couple bottles or pints when I’m with them, it’s a great time.” At press time, Hastings was having the server describe every New Belgium beer on tap in an effort to forestall his friend’s description of his new workout regimen.

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