Everything Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas Received From Donors

The Netherlands are property of Clarence and Ginni Thomas now.

Thomas said that, hands down, this was his favorite gift he received. According to Thomas, there was life before the air fryer and life after, seriously.

This one was total bullshit, given that Justice Thomas doesn’t even have a Switch, and he told Berkshire Hathaway executive David Sokol that many, many times. There was no way he could play it. Thomas is a Sony fanboy to the core.

Golf trips, fishing expeditions, helicopter rides—all of these things are expensive, but none of them are that cool. If we were Clarence Thomas, we would have asked for something actually cool, like a Lego model of Rivendell.

It doesn’t cost any money to brighten someone’s day!

Thomas has accepted more than a dozen flights aboard the critically endangered bird.

None of the megadonors vying for the Supreme Court justice’s favor dared tell Thomas his béchamel was runny.

Reportedly, what Thomas did with the boy was totally up to him. Luckily the boy’s family was already dead, so no worries there!

An underreported gift Clarence Thomas received was the warm, exciting feelings he got from behaving unethically to manipulate our nation’s laws.

Not that flashy, but still improper.

Very European!

Thomas’ wife Ginni got to be in the background in several scenes in the blockbuster conservative film, and even got to say the line “The child traffickers, they went that way!”

Thomas is reported to have eaten up to $0.90 worth of hot dogs at the Triple-A baseball game against the Toledo Mud Hens, all bank-rolled by GOP megadonors.

It’s too bad they didn’t also sell “Harlan.”

It might not seem like much, but his billionaire friends knew this had sentimental value.

This was more of a joke gift, but it was thoughtful of Harlan Crow to take the time to edit a video together that absolved Clarence Thomas of his sexual harassment allegations, even as a goof.

The iconic Gungan boss hailing from the planet Naboo in Star Wars: Episode I—The Phantom Menace, still in its original packaging. A gift both valuable and sentimental to Clarence Thomas.

This one, from Harlan Crow, kind of hurt, actually. Thoughtful and hurtful at the same time.

This tangy sativa-dominant hybrid is exactly the strain Justice Thomas needs to feel creative and euphoric while penning opinions to overturn landmark cases like Roe v. Wade.

The $200,000 luxury vacation included upscale lodging, a flight on a private jet, and a full staff to help Thomas and his extended family destroy an abortion clinic with several tons of TNT.

Not a gift he asked for or wanted, but it is the gift he received.

Wow! Do they even make those anymore?

David Sokol brought over a bottle of wine and H. Wayne Huizenga stopped by CVS, and the three of them spent the whole afternoon trying different sheet masks and catching up and painting matching nails.

Usually only his employees get to see that.

Let’s be real. If you were one of the nine most important jurists in the country—a person whose ethical judgment and perceived moral compass were responsible for the fates of literally hundreds of millions of people—you too would have accepted 26 private jet flights, eight helicopter flights, a dozen VIP passes to sporting events, 38 vacations, and stays at luxury resorts in Florida and Jamaica.

With their exotic tastes and smells, these spices not only helped Thomas preserve his meat, but also enhanced its flavor.

The Republican megadonor reportedly drew this simplistic rendition of the two friends himself.

Thomas’ donors pulled out all the stops to gift him his buddy Neil on the Supreme Court bench.

Friendship is so sweet!

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