FBI agents raided former President Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort last week. The Onion provides exclusive access to what the federal law enforcement agency seized.
A 30-Year-Old Big Mac
Though unrelated to the investigation, FBI agents confiscated a 30-year-old Big Mac they found for a science article about how well the chemicals in McDonald’s preserve food.
Surprising how little time it takes for all the flesh to fall off.
Letters From Trump’s Pen Pal
The FBI confiscated a box full of handwritten letters from Trump’s Russian pen pal, Luka, in which the man discusses his summer plans, his annoying sister, and occasionally asks about nuclear codes.
The White House Kitchen’s ‘I Am The Current President Of The United States Of America’ Mug
While having no official significance, this one-of-a-kind mug was intended only to be used by the sitting president.
Vaccines For A Disease Called ‘Woke Fever’
Agents seized dozens of boxes filled with syringes designed to prevent conservatives from being brainwashed by antifa’s liberal agenda.
A Bic Velocity Ballpoint Pen
Hey, they can’t all be winners. Sometimes the FBI just seizes a few things and sees what sticks.
Believed to be dead from what is now understood to be a suicide hoax to help him escape justice, the FBI was shocked to find business magnate and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein hiding under Trump’s floorboards.
12 Freshly Baked Peanut Butter Cookies, Ice Cold Milk
Attorney General Merrick Garland said he was deeply concerned about these items seized from the Mar-a-Lago kitchen and would be spending 20 minutes this afternoon inspecting them closely.
Unopened Scrapbooking Starter Kit
Right when he was finally going to sit down and do it, too.
A Lava Lamp
The raid, which was originally scheduled to take 10 minutes, ended up stretching to 11 hours after agents were hypnotized by a multicolored lamp from the 1970s.
Acceptance Letter To Vassar College
Obviously store-bought, but still pretty tasty.
A Few Immigrant Children
Dozens of immigrant children separated from their parents by the Trump administration were found by FBI agents among Mar-a-Lago’s kitchen, housekeeping, and groundskeeping staffs.
The Nuclear Football
Along with many other items appropriated from the White House, the FBI finally retrieved and returned the nuclear football that Biden had been looking for since taking office.
Although the FBI repeatedly reiterated that it didn’t have much use for her, the Mar-a-Lago staff and several Trump representatives insisted that she be sent along to FBI headquarters and spend as much time there as needed.
A Plastic Novelty Oscar Statuette Labeled ‘Best President’
The FBI sadly found this accompanied by a receipt that proved Mr. Trump had bought it himself.
A Dozen Bankers Boxes Filled With Nothing But Trash
Jesus Christ, that’s disgusting. But at least it’s organized.
A Journal Labeled ‘Bright Ideas’
Filled with dozens of affirmations reminding the former president what his name is and where he is, as well as several important phone numbers.
You fucking idiots. You almost escaped from all this bullshit, but they got you again.
The FBI said the Mar-a-Lago maid showed great potential to provide cleaning services around the D.C. office.
After searching the basement of Mar-a-Lago for hours, dozens of agents were seen confiscating 97-year-old Jimmy Carter, whom Trump had reportedly taken from the White House on his last day and stored in a small box labeled “peanut guy.”