Everything We Know About Elon Musk’s ‘Twitter Files’

Everything We Know About Elon Musk’s ‘Twitter Files’

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Elon Musk recently promoted a Twitter thread by journalist Matt Taibbi, which detailed internal company documents showing that the social media site blocked tweets publicizing a news story on Hunter Biden’s laptop. Here’s what The Onion discovered about Elon Musk’s “Twitter Files.”

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Sometimes Secret Stuff Is Actually Really Boring

Sometimes Secret Stuff Is Actually Really Boring

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Just because correspondence is “confidential” doesn’t mean there’s anything interesting about it.

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They Should Have Released It On TikTok Instead

They Should Have Released It On TikTok Instead

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Everyone knows Twitter’s over.

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The Extensive Evidence Detailing The Biden Family’s Corruption Must Be In The Next One

The Extensive Evidence Detailing The Biden Family’s Corruption Must Be In The Next One

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It’s odd that Musk and Matt Taibbi chose to focus on some racy photos of Hunter rather than all the evidence of the Bidens’ corruption involving Burisma, but maybe that’s what the next thread will be about.

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Joe Biden Has Definitely Seen A Photo Of His Son’s Dick

Joe Biden Has Definitely Seen A Photo Of His Son’s Dick

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Perhaps the only interesting tidbit to stem from this “investigation.”

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Twitter Suppressed How Good Elon Musk’s Hair Plugs Look

Twitter Suppressed How Good Elon Musk’s Hair Plugs Look

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Emails show that Twitter executives made a concerted effort to kill the story about Musk’s incredibly natural-looking hair plugs.

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You Can Use 37 Posts In A Twitter Thread To Reveal Nothing

You Can Use 37 Posts In A Twitter Thread To Reveal Nothing

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Though time consuming, Musk proved it possible.

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Hunter Biden

Hunter Biden

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Hunter Biden! Hunter Biden! Hunter Biden! HUNTER BIDEN!

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Musk Is A Measured, Respectable Journalist

Musk Is A Measured, Respectable Journalist

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Rather than sensationalizing the thread with three popcorn emojis, Musk was careful to only use two.

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Twitter Dot Com Is A Place To Come Together And Share Ideas

Twitter Dot Com Is A Place To Come Together And Share Ideas

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Sign up today and join the conversation!

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This Is By Far Elon Musk’s Least Interesting Scandal

This Is By Far Elon Musk’s Least Interesting Scandal

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I mean, the guy killed some monkeys and keeps impregnating employees, for God’s sake.

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Matt Taibbi Shares A Great Chicken Pot Pie Recipe

Matt Taibbi Shares A Great Chicken Pot Pie Recipe

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In lieu of solid evidence of wrongdoing, Twitter Files author Matt Taibbi debuted a delightful recipe for chicken pot pie sure to satiate those ravenous for scandal.

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The Blue Bird Is Named Gordon

The Blue Bird Is Named Gordon

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Not the earth-shattering scoop we were expecting, but an interesting tidbit, nonetheless.

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Shirts, Mugs, And Hoodies Are Available Now At ‘The Onion’ Store

Shirts, Mugs, And Hoodies Are Available Now At ‘The Onion’ Store

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Stop by store.theonion.com for your favorite Onion-branded apparel, just in time for the holidays!

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A Biden Staffer Routinely Emailed Twitter Requesting The Removal Of Tweets Containing ‘Better Call Saul’ Spoilers

A Biden Staffer Routinely Emailed Twitter Requesting The Removal Of Tweets Containing ‘Better Call Saul’ Spoilers

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And even more egregious than this obvious government overreach is the evidence that Twitter repeatedly listened.

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Email Is Still One Of The Top Methods Of Electronic Communication

Email Is Still One Of The Top Methods Of Electronic Communication

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Nothing beats good old email.

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Everyone Involved Is Very Dull

Everyone Involved Is Very Dull

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From Hunter Biden to Jack Dorsey to Elon Musk to Matt Taibbi, all the principals of the Twitter Files saga are dull as can be.

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The Deep State Doesn’t Yet Have Its Own Email Addresses

The Deep State Doesn’t Yet Have Its Own Email Addresses

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You’d think something as sinister and organized as the deep state would have its own domain name, but everyone involved just used their personal or work email accounts.

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If You Worked At Twitter, You’ll Probably Get Doxxed At Some Point

If You Worked At Twitter, You’ll Probably Get Doxxed At Some Point

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Elon Musk’s lack of discretion about former employee’s personal emails has haphazardly put them at risk, and if you are someone who has worked at Twitter, your turn is coming up!

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If It Weren’t For Government Interference, The 2020 Election Would Have Been Andrew Yang’s To Lose

If It Weren’t For Government Interference, The 2020 Election Would Have Been Andrew Yang’s To Lose

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The Yang Train would have charged full steam to the White House if it weren’t for these liberal shills.

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Your Uncle Will Tell You All About This Over The Holidays

Your Uncle Will Tell You All About This Over The Holidays

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Just forget about it for a few weeks and then you can act genuinely interested when he gives you his take on the whole thing.

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Few Shots Of Elon’s Penis Thrown In There

Few Shots Of Elon’s Penis Thrown In There

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Labeled as Hunter’s, but, yep, a few of those are Musk’s.

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You’ve made it this far...

You’ve made it this far...

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