Everything You Need To Know About Cinco De Mayo

Illustration for article titled Everything You Need To Know About Cinco De Mayo

Each year on May 5, Mexican-Americans celebrate their heritage with parades, festivals, and cultural events. The Onion answers some commonly asked questions about the holiday:

Q: What is Cinco de Mayo?

A: A holiday celebrating Mexican heritage and the fact that everyone in Alpha Phi is done with finals.


Q: Is Cinco de Mayo the same thing as Mexican Independence Day?

A: No, Mexican Independence Day is on September 16, but Diez y Seis de Septiembre was too clunky to catch on with beer distributors.


Q: I know the date commemorates the Mexican army’s 1862 victory over the French during the Battle of Puebla, but I forget: Was that under the leadership of General López de Santa Anna?

A: No, dumbfuck. You’re thinking of General Ignacio Zaragoza.

Q: What are some Cinco de Mayo traditions?

A: Parades featuring traditional Mexican music and dancing, historical reenactments of the Battle of Puebla, and getting kicked out of Buffalo Wild Wings.


Q: Where is the best place to celebrate Cinco de Mayo?

A: There’s no cover and two-for-one lectures on pre-Cuauhtémoc pottery at the National Museum of Mexican Art.


Q: Why is Cinco de Mayo so popular in the United States?

A: Over 30 million Americans are of Mexican descent, and the rest will take any opportunity to celebrate a French military defeat.


Q: Why are parades such a widespread part of Cinco de Mayo celebrations?

A: Parades commemorate the proud Mexican-American tradition of being forcibly relocated on foot.


Q: What’s the most respectful way to celebrate the holiday?

A: Make sure to order on the rocks, not frozen.


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