Everything You Need To Know About The Royal Wedding

Prince Harry will marry American Meghan Markle on May 19. The Onion provides all the important details you need to know about the royal wedding.


Q: How did the couple meet?

A: This arranged marriage was brokered to improve diplomatic ties between the U.K. and the USA Network.

Advertisement

Q: Why is the wedding breaking with tradition by being held on a Saturday?

A: Windsor Castle is completely booked for the rest of the week by a dermatology conference.


Q: What did Meghan Markle have to do to prepare for the wedding?

A: Be baptized and confirmed into the same church that condoned multiple executions of royals’ wives in the past.

Advertisement

Q: How many swans will be slaughtered, boiled, and served to the guests?

A: 250.


Q: What will play for the couple’s first dance?

A: As per tradition, the newlyweds will dance to the sound of teacups clinking against saucers amidst a tense silence.

Advertisement

Q: Will there be hats?

A: You bet your fucking ass there’ll be hats.


Q: What gifts will the royal couple receive?

A: In lieu of gifts, they have asked guests to make a donation to the British East India Company or the Royal African Company.

Advertisement

Q: Are we really still doing this?

A: Yes.

Advertisement

Share This Story