Evil Thoughts Every Parent Has Had At Some Point

Evil Thoughts Every Parent Has Had At Some Point

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“I’m going to cling to my child as tightly as I possibly can for their entire life as a way to provide meaning to my own lonely life.

“I’m going to cling to my child as tightly as I possibly can for their entire life as a way to provide meaning to my own lonely life.

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It’s fine to have these thoughts as long as you never act on them.

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“They’d fetch a fine price on the black market.”

“They’d fetch a fine price on the black market.”

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What exhausted parent hasn’t wondered how much they could get for their little tyke and how one actually gets in touch with a pimp.

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“I can’t love my kid unless they wow the casting agents at the audition for the cereal commercial.”

“I can’t love my kid unless they wow the casting agents at the audition for the cereal commercial.”

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You know you’re supposed to love them unconditionally, but you don’t know if you can unless they really impress the Golden Grahams people.

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“Maybe baby formula is okay every now and then?”

“Maybe baby formula is okay every now and then?”

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You know it’s wrong, that you are basically poisoning your child and abandoning your sacred duty as a mother, but sometimes you just get tired.

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“He may not be a straight-A student, but I love my son, and I’m sure he’ll find his ‘thing’ soon enough, whether it’s music or reading or just putting a smile on everybody’s face”

“He may not be a straight-A student, but I love my son, and I’m sure he’ll find his ‘thing’ soon enough, whether it’s music or reading or just putting a smile on everybody’s face”

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Oof! We’ve all been there.

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“If I find out this kid is Derek’s I’m throwing it off a balcony.”

“If I find out this kid is Derek’s I’m throwing it off a balcony.”

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Heather was gone that weekend at the wedding you didn’t want to go to. You’d been on the rocks. And then suddenly she’s pregnant? You’re not crazy for thinking about it.

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“This baby’s vibes are off.”

“This baby’s vibes are off.”

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A baby needs unconditional support and encouragement in order to grow up having any chill.

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“The Armenian people must be forever purged from this land if we are to stay strong as a nation.”

“The Armenian people must be forever purged from this land if we are to stay strong as a nation.”

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It’s not a good thought, but through the exhaustion and frustration it’s understandable that some parents may daydream about genocide.

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“My real child had been stolen by goblins and replaced with a changeling.

“My real child had been stolen by goblins and replaced with a changeling.

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Common for parents with children who have fair hair and an ethereal demeanor, these intrusive thoughts usually go away after briefly torturing the child prove that they’re human.

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“I should have never stolen this baby from the hospital.”

“I should have never stolen this baby from the hospital.”

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It may sound harsh, but many new parents find themselves doubting their decision to dress up as a nurse, sneak into the delivery ward, and steal a baby straight from the nursery.

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“Munchausen syndrome by proxy looks kinda fun.

“Munchausen syndrome by proxy looks kinda fun.

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Yes, sneaking poison into your child’s food and posting a pleading GoFundMe on Facebook looks like a ball, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to act on it.

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“Why couldn’t this one have been switched at birth?”

“Why couldn’t this one have been switched at birth?”

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Sure, you don’t know what you would’ve gotten, but anything’s better than what you ultimately brought home.

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“That little shit was supposed to save my marriage.”

“That little shit was supposed to save my marriage.”

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Sorry, but at least you’ve got something to make your divorce much more unbearable.

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“I am going to frame my child for murder so I can finally get some sleep.”

“I am going to frame my child for murder so I can finally get some sleep.”

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Sometimes, planting their DNA in an ongoing murder investigation and having them arrested is the only way to get some peace and quiet.

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“I am going to dunk this child.”

“I am going to dunk this child.”

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It’s tempting to go through with buying the basketball hoop, lowering it to seven feet, and then ramming that newborn baby through the net, and although you shouldn’t do this, just remember it’s an idle thought every parent faces.

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“No way Satan’s going to inhabit this shitty baby.”

“No way Satan’s going to inhabit this shitty baby.”

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You only had a kid to act as host for The Lord of Darkness, but you know he’s gonna take one look at that thing and select another vessel that isn’t totally embarrassing.

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“Blood is a kind of beverage.”

“Blood is a kind of beverage.”

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Becoming a parent can trigger all sorts of new psychological tendencies, but you have to be able to identify those intrusive thoughts that don’t help to put into action.

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“I hope he gets traded to the Buffalo Bills.”

“I hope he gets traded to the Buffalo Bills.”

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Yes, it’s far away and has extremely harsh winters, but at least the team has a loyal fan base and a decent quarterback.

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“Let’s shake this thing upside-down and see how many coins fall out.”

“Let’s shake this thing upside-down and see how many coins fall out.”

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Tempting though it may be, you’re better off just patting your child on the back and see how many they cough out.

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“I could probably claim postpartum depression and get away with a relatively short sentence.”

“I could probably claim postpartum depression and get away with a relatively short sentence.”

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Flights of fancy in which you plan out your infanticide defense point by point are a healthy and productive way to siphon off your unmitigated rage at your child.

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“ADHD medication is overprescribed and I’m not going to be part of the problem.”

“ADHD medication is overprescribed and I’m not going to be part of the problem.”

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No way little Liam’s going to get into Notre Dame one day with that attitude.

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