BERKELEY, CA—Putting to rest centuries of debate, biologists at the University of California, Berkeley announced Friday that they had obtained incontrovertible proof of evolution after finally capturing footage of a chimpanzee transforming into a human. “We have verified beyond any doubt that our species evolved from apes thanks to a 30-second video that shows a chimpanzee lumbering around on all fours before its joints suddenly snap into place and it begins to walk upright, becoming fully human,” said head researcher Eileen Dudek of the new evidence, which confirms the process put forth in Charles Darwin’s 1859 book On The Origin Of Species by presenting images of an ape as its brain quadruples in size, its muscles weaken, and most of its body hair falls out. “Human evolution has always been strictly theoretical—that is, until we were actually able to watch a modern-day chimp change in a matter of seconds into a Homo habilis, a Homo erectus, a Homo heidelbergensis, and finally a Homo sapien, at which point, it immediately began using more complex tools and speaking with proper syntax. This is the missing link we’ve spent generations searching for.” Scientists at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Biology in Germany also announced they had at long last succeeded in filming a dinosaur as it evolved into a bird.
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