ATLANTA—Adorning their headquarters with wreaths of vomitous greens, cyanotic purple bunting, and jolly, glittering papier-mâché viruses, researchers and clinicians at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention began putting up decorations Thursday for the 2019 influenza season. “Coming to work is fun this time of year because someone always brings in warm, gooey mucus cookies and glasses of yummy phlegm-nog,” said cancer-prevention researcher Dr. Sarah McCall, who bopped along to the employee-compiled Spotify playlist “Nausea, Aches, and Chills” while affixing an infected construction-paper lung to her door. “I can’t wait for the manufacturer-filled-syringe exchange party. They’re always so fun, with everyone wearing their most festive masks and medical gloves. You can almost feel the respiratory droplets in the air!” An official press release from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention emphasizes that the spirit of flu season is highly contagious and that anyone experiencing sore throat, nasal drainage, headache, fever, and fatigue should stay away from all celebrations.
More from The Onion