Exclusive Interview With George Santos

Santos: Today’s Wednesday, so I’m from Queens.

Santos: Feel?

Santos: Being elected to Congress is one of the highest honors any pathological liar can receive.

Santos: Oh, don’t flatter me, that doesn’t give nearly enough credit to all the other pathological liars like Matt Gaetz, Dan Crenshaw, and Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Santos: Well, when you’ve worked in Congress for as many years as I have, you know when it’s time for a changing of the guard.

Santos: $5 billion or $5,000, depending on the context.

Santos: He told me he’d continue to prop up my sham position in office so long as I keep distracting the media from all the insane fucked-up shit he does behind the scenes. So, no different from any other congressman, really.

Santos: There aren’t many places where someone who has literally no skills can earn a paycheck.

Santos: Look, I’m as surprised as you are, but no, not yet.

Santos: Tie between me, Abigail Spanberger, and Chip Roy. Christ, what a bunch of assholes we are.

Santos: Yes, but ultimately it is easier—both for the media, which dislikes nuance and highlighting systemic issues, and for the American public, which would prefer to ignore the rot at the heart of the American experiment—to focus on, say, whether I lied about being a drag queen that it is to contemplate the immoral policies that sail through Congress with bipartisan support.

Santos: A Mets fan? Baby, I was on the Mets!

Santos: You know, I hadn’t thought about it that way before. You’re right!

Santos: Probably the one that goes “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie / That’s amore / When the world seems to shine like you’ve had too much wine / That’s amore.”

Santos: I can’t answer that. If I did, I’d be lying! [Ed note: At this point, Rep. Santos winked at our reporter and then vanished into thin air.]