ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the program will drastically cut wait times for those who qualify, the Transportation Security Administration on Thursday introduced an exclusive new pre-check membership that permits travelers who pass a background check and pay a fee to fly without waiting for an airplane. “For years, TSA pre-check has allowed fliers to bypass long security lines, but with our latest program, eligible U.S. citizens can also avoid the many hassles and delays of planes at the airport,” said TSA spokesperson Grant Scott, adding that members will no longer have to endure the long waits associated with boarding a commercial aircraft, taking off, the flight time itself, landing, and deplaning. “For a fee of $200, any traveler determined to be a low risk will now be able to proceed directly from the security line to their gate, through the jet bridge, and on to their destination without any hindrance whatsoever. No more planes, and no more delays caused by mechanical problems or the weather. Plus, your membership is good for five years.” At press time, sources confirmed several members of the new pre-check program had taken to social media to complain about the wait times they faced upon arrival on the tarmac.
More from The Onion