OAK BROOK, IL—Exchanging weary glances as their child closed her eyes and began to breathe slowly, exhausted couple Janet and Anthony Grisham reportedly expressed relief Tuesday after their toddler fell asleep and they could finally talk shit about her. “Oh my God, I was starting to worry she’d never actually go down—seriously, was it just me, or would that bitch not shut the fuck up?” Janet Grisham said to her husband, adding that even though she loved their 2-year-old daughter Brittany and had known her “fucking forever,” that didn’t change the fact that she was super immature, clingy, and somehow able to ruin almost any social situation she entered. “Honestly, I love Brittany to death, and you know she’s my ride or die, but she’s also a total goddamned train wreck. She can’t go out without puking. She’s always slurring her words. And she’s kind of a fucking psycho, honestly. One minute she likes apples, and the next she doesn’t? God, sometimes I just want to smack her.” At press time, the Grishams could still be heard bitching about how much more fun they would have if they weren’t stuck with Brittany as their daughter, all while their toddler was listening quietly from the top of the stairs.
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