ATLANTA—Begging Americans to just use some common sense, exhausted CDC researchers assured the public Thursday that there had been no indication that the Covid-19 vaccine would shrink you down to the size of an ant. “There’s absolutely no truth to the rumor that the coronavirus vaccine will cause patients to rapidly diminish in size, leaving only their clothing behind them, until they are no larger than a speck of dust,” said CDC researcher Jennifer Martin, rubbing her eyes with her hands and issuing a long sigh before confirming that the required second dose of the vaccine would not lead to patients shrinking down even further until they were able to traverse between individual atoms and become stuck in the quantum realm. “It’s certainly possible that there will be some mild side effects, but these are more along the lines of soreness and fatigue than fundamentally altering the laws of matter, which, again, is mostly the province of science fiction movies and has little to no bearing on real life. This is really just a normal vaccine and we urge everyone to take it. Christ, you’re not going to be able to lift 1,000 times your own weight, it’s just so you don’t get sick.” When asked if there was a chance the vaccine could transform users into a giant oak tree, Martin threw up her hands and said “Yeah, sure, why the fuck not?”