SALEM, OR—According to sources, a local mother-to-be admitted with profound shame this week that she is considerably more excited for the release of the new lime-flavored Wheat Thins than she is for the birth of her own child. "While I'm still very much looking forward to being a mom, I must regretfully declare that the idea of eating lime-flavored Wheat Thins sounds not only more appealing to me but, quite frankly, more fulfilling in every way," the expectant mother told reporters, adding that she is fully aware that this statement makes her a complete and utter monster. "Look, I love Wheat Thins more than my unborn son, okay? There, I said it. You think I'm proud of myself? Believe me, I am not." At press time, the pregnant woman was imagining what it will feel like to finally cradle a box of lime-flavored Wheat Thins lovingly in her arms.

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