BERKELEY, CA—Noting the countless shortcomings of the underwhelming biome, ecology experts confirmed Wednesday that the rainforest ecosystem recently destroyed to create room for an Onion Social server farm wasn’t all that impressive to begin with. “After a careful review of the evidence, we can confidently conclude that the section of Amazonian jungle that was clear-cut to accommodate a state-of-the-art collection of servers pretty much sucked anyways,” said Marjorie Novalesco, professor of ecology at the University of California, Berkeley, adding that the 80,000 square miles of moist broadleaf forest that were irreparably destroyed had been inhabited by a wide variety of lousy flora and half-assed fauna. “Listen, I’m an expert on rainforests, and this one was really nothing to write home about—mostly it was just a bunch of lame trees, boring vines, and disgusting bugs. In fact, Onion Social transformed the hot and sticky wildlife habitats into a beautiful industrial park of indoor, air-conditioned facilities as far as the eye can see.” Novalesco added that even though seven indigenous tribes were displaced in the construction of the server farms, it wasn’t a huge deal since they were not the cool warrior types who carry poison-tipped spears.


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