WASHINGTON—Saying those unable to execute a satisfying dance sequence posed a severe threat to the vibe, experts from the Department of Health and Human Services recommended Friday that every American have two to three moves prepared in the event an excited circle of clapping people formed around them. “If any individual suddenly finds themselves surrounded by cheering onlookers, it is imperative that they take the following steps: the floss, the Dougie, the Cabbage Patch, or any similar combination that, when administered, can keep the good times rolling,” said department spokesperson Zelda Tubin, adding that in extreme circumstances in which the room was almost dead, it might be necessary to drop to the floor and perform the worm in order to get the party started again. “Though many think knowing one dance is adequate, we’ve found that at least two are required, because after the first, the crowd encircling the dancer will goad them into a second by yelling, ‘OHHHHHH!!!’” Tubin went on to state that 63% of Americans lacked the robot and electric-slide skills needed to make it 15 seconds without dying of embarrassment.
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