BALTIMORE—Citing several in-depth studies that would likely make you second-guess the only gratifying and pleasurable parts of your existence, researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that the only recommendation they’re making at this time is that you tune out experts such as themselves and just try to enjoy your life. “Look, as experts in our various fields, we absolutely mean well, but it seems like every week now we’re conducting extensive research on what you should and shouldn’t be eating, how much you should be exercising, how much screen time is detrimental to you, whether you’re having enough of the right kind of sex, how much you should be worrying about work versus your quality of life, when to forgive family members who have wronged you, even how much you should or shouldn’t sleep—anyway, the point is that the best thing for you right now is probably just to stop listening to us at all and just do what makes you feel good,” said Adrienne Sanchez, lead research scientist on several projects you’re definitely better off not knowing about. “One week we tell you to eat as many eggs as you can, the next we tell you eggs are killing you, the week after that it’s the yolks—we get it, it’s exhausting. Even now, I was coming out here to share some supposed ‘breakthrough’ in modern wellness, but honestly, what you most need to hear is that you’re going to die someday no matter what, so maybe just take good basic care and try to have a nice time while you’re still here.” Sanchez noted that experts would gladly make any and all new study results available in case anyone is interested but recommended the best course of action would be to try and not concern yourself with them, honestly.
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