WASHINGTON—Saying that the charitable contribution would immediately provide a clear conscience, experts reported Friday that you need to donate $37 to hurricane relief in order to completely forget about what happened. “Concerned individuals have been asking what they can do to stop feeling bad about hurricane victims, so everyone should know that a $37 donation is sufficient to allow you to move on from the disaster once and for all,” said nonprofit analyst Sandra Western, adding that a donation in that amount entitles the giver to avoid any further media coverage of the hurricane and not feel any kind of shame about the degree to which they were helping. “You can donate $25, but the notion that you could have done more might nag at you for a bit. At $37, however, you’ll be able to tell yourself you pitched in when some truly desperate people needed you most and then never think about them again. In addition, if you donate $65 or more, you can also sit out the next catastrophe with no guilt whatsoever.” Western went on to say that the guidelines did not apply to selfish assholes, who could donate nothing and immediately forget the devastation anyway.

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