STONY BROOK, NY—As more Americans contemplate their employment prospects during a time when it’s becoming increasingly difficult to retire, experts stated Wednesday that it’s not too late to change careers at 50, despite the fact that they sure as fuck wouldn’t. “If you’re finding your work increasingly unfulfilling and always dreamed of doing something else, there’s nothing wrong with making that career switch, even if you’re over 50, although that personally sounds like an absolutely stupid-ass idea to us,” said Stony Brook University economist Clare Ewell, adding that there are a few notable examples of people who pivoted career paths late in life, but statistically your chances of succeeding are abysmal, which would definitely prevent her and all other employment experts from even considering something so goddamn shortsighted. “There are many things you can do that, keep in mind, we would never, ever do ourselves. For instance, you could go back to school, something we really don’t recommend. The odds aren’t in your favor, which is no reason to hold yourself back from pursuing your dreams, but it would definitely hold us back, because we’re taking an objective view of the situation and realize how shitty things would likely turn out. You could find yourself with a new lease on life, though we’re pretty sure that most people who try something like this fail miserably, so there’s no fucking way we’d ever attempt it. But what do we know? We’re just experts. And we’re sure as shit going to stay that way.” Experts added that it’s never too late to become the person you want to be, although they knew it was way too late for them, and everyone who thinks they’re an exception to the rule is out of their fucking mind.
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