NEW YORK—In a press conference addressing the ongoing situation in the Caribbean country, an expert council at the U.N. announced Tuesday that Haiti’s ongoing institutional crisis could be the decisive piece of knowledge that makes you seem smart. “We’re seeing an alarming decline in institutional stability and trust in the Haitian judicial system, both of which you could bring up in a casual conversation or at a cocktail party in order to give the impression that you are an intelligent person,” said U.N. political scientist Javier Escarra, who speculated that even deploying the phrase “Haitian president Ariel Henry” when speaking to a coworker, friend, or family member would likely inspire those people to respect you due to your knowledge of current affairs. “What you say about the political situation in Haiti and its roots in the country’s history doesn’t even have to be correct, per se. But it will stand alongside other pieces of knowledge such as the productivity crisis in Japan and France’s use of nuclear power to create the perception that you know what you’re talking about. And that will make acquaintances look at you and say, ‘That person is competent. I should stop talking and listen to them.’” Experts added that this knowledge would unfortunately not change the fact that you are very, very stupid.
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