Experts Say Severe Weather Will Continue Until Gargantuan Child Shaking Earth’s Snow Globe Calms Down

Illustration for article titled Experts Say Severe Weather Will Continue Until Gargantuan Child Shaking Earth’s Snow Globe Calms Down

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that a full-blown tantrum may be imminent, experts from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration confirmed Tuesday that severe weather will continue worldwide until the gargantuan child currently shaking Earth’s snow globe calms down. “We expect the onslaught of blizzards, hurricanes, lightning storms, and other dangerous meteorological phenomena to persist until Emma loses interest in the Earth’s snow globe,” said National Weather Service Director Louis Uccellini, adding that the glass orb the planet resides in is only the size of a baseball to the enormous 7-year-old and that she is likely unaware of the destructive forces she unleashes whenever she flips it upside down and shakes it. “This constant jiggling is creating a series of low-pressure systems that are devastating communities across the entire Earth. Unless Emma stops playing so rambunctiously, we predict the world will be ravaged by treacherous floods, F5 tornadoes, and catastrophic tsunamis. Worse yet, if she decides to crank the music box at the base of the snow globe, all 7.3 billion humans risk having their eardrums blown out by an extremely loud version of Silent Night.” At press time, humanity was plunged into darkness after the colossal child hid the snow globe in the back of her closet after accidentally cracking it.

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