IRVING, TX—Following the release of a World Meteorological Organization report that found greenhouse gas concentrations reached a new high in 2020, sources confirmed the staff of ExxonMobil was rewarded Tuesday with a company-wide pizza party. “We just wanted to do something nice to show the team our appreciation for all their hard work,” said CEO Darren Woods, who reportedly stood in front of a conference room table stacked with large pepperoni pies as he handed out T-shirts that read “413.2,” a reference to last year’s atmospheric carbon dioxide level in parts per millions. “While you never want it to become all about the numbers, it does feel pretty great knowing we all came together and made something this big happen. It takes true dedication to keep meeting these increasingly lofty goals.” According to reports, the multinational oil and gas conglomerate has held similar celebrations since at least 1982, when Exxon chose to ignore its own internal report indicating the effects of rising CO2 emissions would be both catastrophic and irreversible.
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