ExxonMobil Simplifies Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half

Illustration for article titled ExxonMobil Simplifies Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half

IRVING, TX—Emphasizing that the new process would revolutionize the fossil fuel industry forever, ExxonMobil announced Friday that they had developed a simpler process of extracting oil that involved cutting the Earth in half. “According to our research, there is no faster, easier, and more painless way to find deep, previously undiscovered oil pockets than to chop the planet clean in half and take a look at the cross section,” said spokesperson Christina Hill, adding that the process involved slicing the Earth along the prime meridian and then extracting the reserves to a giant oil rig. “While we understand that this will create a 90-degree drop-off point between the eastern and western hemispheres, as well as unleash the Earth’s molten core, this is still a much safer alternative to fracking. Also, after the Earth has been cut in half, we at ExxonMobil fully intend to stick it back together.” At press time, ExxonMobil was under fire for reportedly spilling all 2.1 trillion gallons of untapped oil outer space.

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