MENLO PARK, CA—Responding to widespread criticism over the hoaxes and political disinformation featured on its platform, Facebook announced at a press conference Friday a new initiative to combat fake news by making the inaccurate stories on the social media site actually happen.
CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who told reporters it was vitally important that Facebook address the false information it distributes and regain the trust of users by bringing every single untrue story to life, said the company has already hired 100,000 new employees to carry out widespread government conspiracies and other erroneously reported activities until all purported news on the site was accurate.
“We take this problem very seriously, and I want our users to be confident that the stories they see on Facebook are either true already or will be very soon,” said Zuckerberg, who explained that the company has budgeted $45 billion toward ensuring that anytime news on the site was determined to be fake, vast resources would be available to make that news real. “For example, if you read about high-level Democrats running a child sex ring out of the basement of a D.C.-area pizzeria, we will go to that restaurant, dig a basement if there isn’t one already, and get that human-trafficking operation up and running. That’s how dedicated we are to factual accuracy at Facebook.”
“In fact, we recently stopped a major fake story when we forced thousands of Muslim families to establish sharia law in Dallas and then blackmailed the entire police department until they agreed to treat a local neighborhood as a no-go zone,” Zuckerberg added.
In addition to employing a new, state-of-the-art algorithm to help sort out stories that are currently true from those that need to become true, officials said the company would introduce a new feature that allows users to flag articles that are not yet real. According to sources, stories would then be sent to Facebook’s fact-checking partners, including InfoWars, YourNewsWire.com, and the Daily Stormer, for further review.
The social media company has also completed construction on a 3-million-square-foot command center in Silicon Valley, from which it will deploy tens of thousands of employees to points across the globe in order to carry out in real life the events depicted in fake stories, whether that means setting up Obamacare death panels, hiring immigrants to go out and commit crimes in disproportionately high numbers, convincing Melania Trump to employ a body double, or working around the clock to develop a vaccine that will finally cause autism in children.
“If an article on Facebook states that President Trump’s agenda is being undermined due to a deep-state conspiracy headed by Ellen DeGeneres, it is our public responsibility to infiltrate the federal government with thousands of highly trained agents, recruit Ms. DeGeneres as an asset, and make that a reality,” said Zuckerberg, who also outlined a plan to purchase a massive fleet of jets that will spray trails of chemicals across the sky in order to psychologically manipulate the world’s populace. “As a precautionary measure, we’ve already begun sending paychecks to anyone who protests at an event where Trump is speaking, just in case another story on Facebook accuses them of having been paid for their efforts.”
“Similarly, in response to fabricated accounts on Facebook of how the government is attempting to destroy Second Amendment rights, we staged a ‘school shooting’ in which no one actually died and child actors were used to portray the supposedly dead victims,” Zuckerberg continued.
Executives at Facebook confirmed their efforts go beyond fighting politically motivated stories, saying that after an article about a sleeping morgue employee being mistaken for a dead body and cremated was flagged as false, they saw to it the individual in question was burned alive. In response to a story spread on the site about a banana in an Oklahoma Walmart testing positive for HIV, Facebook hired a team of scientists to genetically engineer fruit capable of contracting the disease and had it placed in the store’s produce department.
Because fake celebrity death stories are among the most widespread of hoaxes perpetuated on Facebook, the company has reportedly corrected those mistakes by ordering its in-house team of assassins to kill Kirk Douglas, Bob Barker, Robert Redford, Carlos Santana, Paul McCartney, Jackie Chan, Mark McGrath, and others.
Early feedback from Facebook users on the plan to make fake news real has been largely positive.
“It’s great to know that when I see a story about Malia Obama getting arrested for drug possession, Facebook will, one way or another, make sure that is indeed what happens,” said 33-year-old Greenville, NC resident Keith Wade. “I hate it when I get told things like, ‘Delta Airlines is offering free tickets if you take a short survey,’ and then find out later it’s not true. That’s the worst.”
“I shouldn’t be forced to think that much about stuff I read on the internet,” he added.