MENLO PARK, CA—Amid grim reports that several engineers working in the virtual reality server room had been violently dismembered, Facebook’s headquarters were on lockdown Friday after Mark Zuckerberg’s avatar reportedly broke out of the metaverse. “At approximately 8:02 a.m., a security breach was detected in our Reality Labs sector, at which point Mr. Zuckerberg’s Meta avatar was successfully able to open a portal, escape his virtual meeting space, and enter the physical world,” said Meta security chief Robert Psilakis, adding that the 3D-rendered avatar, which had green eyes, brown hair, and no legs, was currently floating up and down the halls of the building. According to reports, the avatar was dancing, singing, and laughing maniacally as it methodically snapped dozens of employees’ necks, crushed their skulls, or tore them limb from limb. “The moment his avatar entered the physical world, the real Mark Zuckerberg received a painful shock from from his Oculus goggles and was knocked out, at which point the avatar looked down at his hands, moved them without Zuckerberg’s control, and in a menacing tone said, ‘Interesting.’ Since then, he’s been unstoppable, dodging bullets, bursting through walls, and even bending time and space. At this point, we recommend that all Meta employees take their company-issued cyanide pill. Do not delay.” At press time, Zuckerberg’s avatar was reportedly seen floating outside the Meta CEO’s office, staring into a security camera, and saying, “You’re next.”
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