MENLO PARK, CA—Taking it upon themselves to notify users of potential repercussions stemming from the site’s recent privacy breach, Facebook announced plans Sunday to inform victims of the Cambridge Analytica data leak whether they need to burn down their houses, cut off their fingerprints, and start their lives over in a new city. “We sincerely regret allowing foreign interests to steal users’ information, and the resulting understandable breakdown in trust that has occurred, but it’s time to stop focusing on that and concentrate on whether our valued users should abandon their old lives immediately and start fresh with a totally new, unsullied identity in a place where no one will recognize them,” said CEO Mark Zuckerberg, explaining that upon logging into Facebook, each user affected by the leak will receive a simple text notification urging them to convert all their assets into cash, undergo face-altering plastic surgery, and fake their own death by stealing a body from the morgue and burning it inside a car registered in their name. “We at Facebook feel it’s important to be completely transparent with our users regarding the extent to which their data has been compromised, and we promise to do better in the future. But right now, what the affected users need to know is that they have to run. Don’t take anything you can’t grab in 90 seconds. They’re coming right now, and you don’t have much time.” At press time, a terrified Zuckerberg was spotted frantically covering his hand with lye and burning his passport after discovering his data was part of the breach.
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