From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant:

  • Global initiative to provide internet service to those countries currently lacking access to news of Michelle’s engagement
  • Autoplaying videos 250 percent louder
  • Updated customization options will allow authoritarian regimes to choose the level of free speech that’s right for them
  • Virtual reality platform will allow users to more immersively experience their barrage of notifications that friends are attending events nearby
  • Users required to inform Facebook of any third-party apps they have downloaded so as to ensure they are promptly acquired by Facebook
  • Continuing to scour dystopian novels for innovative business strategies
  • Probably overdue for another frustrating goddamn redesign
  • New default privacy setting of “none”