MENLO PARK, CA—Wondering how the social media giant will unethically exploit their personal data next, Facebook users conceded Friday they are morbidly curious to see what the company does to them in order to recoup its losses following a $5 billion Federal Trade Commission fine. “I know I’m probably not gonna like it, but I have this deep, dark desire to know what kind of fucked-up shit they’ll do to violate our privacy this time,” said Cleveland-area Facebook user Lisa Wincheck, explaining that while it’s hard to imagine the social network doing anything worse than it already has, its history suggests it will once again produce a nefarious, probably illegal new way to monetize the intimate details of people’s lives. “They’re already tracking my location, reading habits, and online shopping history, so it’s not difficult to imagine them selling all that information on the dark web to the highest bidder. Or maybe they’ll just flat-out scan all the data on my computer’s hard drive and peddle it to marketing firms. Who knows? But at the end of the day, Mark Zuckerberg always comes up with some really disturbing and underhanded way to sell us all out, and I admit I can’t wait to see how he pulls this off.” At press time, Facebook engineers had reportedly developed a new software tool that records the memories, hopes, and dreams of all 2.38 billion of its monthly users.
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