Christopher Key, the leader of the “Vaccine Police” organization that opposes Covid-19 vaccinations, recently shared that drinking urine could cure coronavirus. As the world’s leading nonpartisan news source, The Onion strives to give our readers the facts and let them decide what is true. Here’s a fact sheet answering common questions about curing your Covid-19 with urine therapy.
Q: How much urine should I drink?
A: Covid-19 is a respiratory disease, so you’ll need to drink enough to fill both lungs.
Q: Can I use someone else’s urine?
A: Only if they’re the same urine type as you.
Q: Isn’t urine supposed to go into the toilet?
A: No. Toilets were invented by greedy pharmaceutical executives to keep drug prices up.
Q: Is this treatment approved by doctors?
A: Most doctors agree that urine can exist safely inside the human body with little to no negative side effects.
Q: What happens if I don’t drink my urine?
A: Is that really a risk you’re willing to take?
Q: Does urine need to be purified before using it?
A: Couldn’t hurt to run it through the Brita first.
Q: What if I can’t go?
A: Sorry, we’ll turn around so you can have some privacy.
Q: Does urine contain microchips?
A: Yes, but only in trace amounts of the microchips that are already in your body.
Q: Are there any concerning side effects I should know about?
A: Only if you consider “feeling amazing” and “great umami taste” concerning.
Q: Does the third world have urine yet?
A: Not until the cowardly Biden administration releases the patent for piss.