MATTOON, IL—Explaining that he prefers to keep his work life separate from his personal life, local falcon Saber confirmed Wednesday that he is sick of everyone assuming he and his falconer are friends. “Ted is fine and we’re both civil when I hang out on his leather glove, but I definitely consider him an acquaintance at most,” said the 6-year-old peregrine falcon, adding that his handler is good at his job, but considering they are two separate species, they don’t have much in common. “Once I’m done flying, I like to go home to my own cage or go out with my falcon buddies. If I saw Ted after work, I’d probably just pretend I had my little hood on and hope he’d take the hint. He’s mentioned his kids once or twice, but I never ask for more information because I’m not interested in getting to know him better. Nice enough guy, though.” The bird of prey denied any rumors that he and Ted were hooking up, but acknowledged that he would be open to a relationship if the right falconer came along.
More from The Onion