LOWELL, MA—Noting the poltergeist had been a little bit too friendly towards their children since they moved in last year, local resident Dean Fischer told reporters Wednesday that his family had become increasingly terrified that the ghost haunting their house might be a pedophile. “At first, it seemed fine, but after a while, we started to suspect that the creepy notes it was leaving on the walls reading ‘I love you’ and ‘Handsome boy’ were not totally normal,” said Fischer, who added that the ghost, which apparently died a grizzly death in 1802, often got defensive and threatened to stab and chop up his wife if they ever got between him and “the boy.” “Yeah, it’s just red flag after red flag. A few weeks ago, we thought he was just a lost, undead spirit trying to make amends for his mistakes in life by giving the kids candy and gifts. But now, it’s pretty clear that this guy is just a sick fucko who stays up all night ‘haunting’ my kids’ bathroom. Believe me: I know what a ghost’s moaning sounds like, and this is definitely sexual.” At press time, Fischer told reporters that he had opted to burn down the house after his children alerted them that the ghost had reportedly hid in a closet and flashed them.