DAYTON, OH—Saying the team had been crippled by its owner's decision to allow his personal life to interfere with his managerial responsibilities, sources confirmed Thursday that local fantasy baseball squad Show Me The Moneyball suffered a major setback after owner Ian Messer embarked on a weeklong honeymoon during which he will have no internet access. “I don’t know what he’s thinking neglecting his team for an entire week just so he and Chelsea can celebrate their marriage—that’s a long time to go without making any roster moves,” said fellow league participant Evan Abelson, criticizing Messer’s “reckless” decision to spend seven days sunbathing and scuba diving on the remote Hawaiian island of Lanai during the crucial first month of the season. “Some of his best players are sitting on the bench right now because he decided he should hold his wedding during baseball season and then fly off for a whole week to some place off the grid. And he can forget about streaming pitchers or picking up a newly named closer while he and his new wife are lounging on some beach without Wi-Fi. I just don’t see how his team is going to recover from this.” Abelson added that he could at least take comfort in the fact that once Messer returns from his honeymoon, he will quickly learn to prioritize fantasy baseball over his marriage.

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