CHICAGO—Saying the employee picked up on her position’s mind-numbing dullness right out of the gate, local marketing manager Glen Marshall told reporters Wednesday that new hire Jennifer Schwartz was gaining a quick grasp of how terrible her new job is. “Wow, Jennifer seemed to immediately get a hang of how utterly pointless and draining working as a social media manager at our firm can be,” said an impressed Marshall, adding that by the end of her first day, the astute worker even appeared to be totally clued in to the marketing group’s uniquely horrible corporate culture, complete lack of leadership, and unprofessional atmosphere. “It usually takes a couple weeks to get a handle on how soul-crushing it is to toil away on tedious, unrewarding projects day in and day out among the most miserable and incompetent people around, but she absorbed just how much this place sucks like a sponge. It’s almost as if she’s been plodding along in our dreary office for years.” At press time, a prideful Marshall was reminded of himself, who was also young and eager to understand how awful the company was when he started out there.

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