Americans across the country just love to cram pizza into their gaping maws. The Onion examines the most popular pizza topping in each state.
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Special ground beef that gay people aren’t allowed to eat
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Tender snowflakes that melt upon contact with the hot grease, made all the more delectable by their inherent temporality
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Shredded ballott
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Blood pesto
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Five almonds and a dollop of unsweetened Greek yogurt
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A thin layer of Under Armour lightweight thermal nylon between sauce and cheese
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Pizza? Really, darling, what are we, ethnics?
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$50,000 cash bail
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Drizzled ointment
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Censored pepperonis
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Famous for its controversial combination of beef and kiwi
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Marshmallow sausage
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Another pizza
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Haven’t been able to taste anything since March 2020
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A blue ribbon
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Pizza? Who said anything about pizza? You’ll be eating pork chops just like everybody else tonight, young man.
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Caramelized tobacco
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Reptile Lovers
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As long as the box features a caricature of an Italian buffoon, they’re happy
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Moisture
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Pepperoni arranged to spell a slur
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Scrap metal
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Fried snow
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Lethal dose of pentobarbital
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Diet pills
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Whole elk
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Garlicky cud
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Hole cut in piping hot slice with male genitals pushed through
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Crust stuffed with opioids
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A thick coat of hairspray
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Peyote
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No matter what, it’s overrated
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Barbecued cheese
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Pupperoni
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High-fructose pizza syrup
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Whatever ‘tarnation’ is
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Twenty micrograms psilocybin mushroom on 7-millimeter-long pizza slice, eaten once every six hours.
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Steel-stuffed crust
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Abominations from the deep
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If you can kill it, they will put it on a pizza
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Prairie dog colony
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Nothing, for there is no pizza topping that can please the Lord
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Spittoon refuse
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Pizza prohibited by the Mormon church for its ability to incite lust
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Artful leaf tracings
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Artichokes originally owned by Thomas Jefferson
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Sausage eaten off nude 83-year-old lying on boardroom table
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The abstract concept of friendliness
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Always eat it all before ever noticing what the toppings are
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Crushed red pepper blowing cold and calm across the grainy crusts, a few specks of green spinach amidst the scrub and chaparral, with extra cheese
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