Americans all across the country love to stuff their dumb fucking faces. The Onion examines the favorite snack in every state.
Favorite Snack In Every State
Alabama
Alabama
Breast milk
Alaska
Alaska
Own frostbitten fingers
Arizona
Arizona
Flamin’ Hot Dementia Pills
Arkansas
Arkansas
Twice-tortured chicken
California
California
This new powder called Quorl. Have you heard of it? It’s eviscerated mandrake root, and you just inject it three times a day between your toes instead of a snack. It’s awesome.
Colorado
Colorado
Other avalanche survivor
Connecticut
Connecticut
Martini splashed on face after wife discovers affair
Delaware
Delaware
Sour gravel
Florida
Florida
Lit firework mistaken for a Push Pop
Georgia
Georgia
A nice bite out of a fresh, juicy Georgia potato
Hawaii
Hawaii
A spoonful of sunblock
Idaho
Idaho
Potato ceviche
Illinois
Illinois
Whatever will give them the most diarrhea
Indiana
Indiana
Industrial runoff
Iowa
Iowa
10,000 pounds of soybeans
Kansas
Kansas
Whatever you have around. They don’t mean to be a bother.
Kentucky
Kentucky
Glass of top-shelf tequila
Louisiana
Louisiana
Whatever floats up to the surface after throwing a stick of dynamite into the swamp
Maine
Maine
Vending machine lobster
Maryland
Maryland
Tears of 10,000 grieving widows of sailors lost at sea
Massachusetts
Massachusetts
Own teeth after sucker punched
Michigan
Michigan
Tire roasted over trash-can fire
Minnesota
Minnesota
A fingerful of Cool Whip
Mississippi
Mississippi
Meemaw-style nubbins
Missouri
Missouri
Heartburn medication
Montana
Montana
Expired canned corn from bunker
Nebraska
Nebraska
Handful of Beer Nuts while wondering what the fuck happened
Nevada
Nevada
Cigarette ash floating in a glass of cheap scotch that’s been sitting on a blackjack table for nine hours
New Hampshire
New Hampshire
Gas station boner pills
New Jersey
New Jersey
Just a snack? No, no, you gotta eat. Sit down, we’ll have osso buco. What, you’re too good to spend time with your mother?
New Mexico
New Mexico
Turquoise jerky
New York
New York
Most New Yorkers have been priced out of snacks.
North Carolina
North Carolina
Chew
North Dakota
North Dakota
Whatever’s in the trap
Ohio
Ohio
Fentanyl, unfortunately
Oklahoma
Oklahoma
Dust
Oregon
Oregon
$19 doughnut
Pennsylvania
Pennsylvania
Jerry Sandusky’s Famous Tuna Noodle Casserole
Rhode Island
Rhode Island
Against Protestant work ethic to eat snack
South Carolina
South Carolina
[redacted due to excessive use of slurs]
South Dakota
South Dakota
Anything that can be spat
Tennessee
Tennessee
None of your fuckin’ business. How’s that for your little slideshow? Fuck you comin’ ’round here askin’ questions like that for? Now get off my property before I have to bury you in it.
Texas
Texas
72-ounce ribeye in under one hour
Utah
Utah
Caffeine-free meth
Vermont
Vermont
Syrup-slathered stack of Brawny paper towels
Virginia
Virginia
Deemed highly classified information by the Pentagon
Washington
Washington
Way too much of an edible. Fuck, fuck, fuck…
West Virginia
West Virginia
Snackin’ teeth
Wisconsin
Wisconsin
Cholesterol Bites
Wyoming
Wyoming
Snack-sized bison
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