WASHINGTON—Saying they would respond immediately to any actionable intelligence, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Wednesday that they would offer $100,000 to anyone who could tell them where all the love went. “We are calling on Americans to come forward with any leads pertaining to where that special little thing called love went and if it will ever return to our hearts,” said agency director Christopher Wray, explaining that any information related to the last known whereabouts of true human connection, warmth, and kindness could prove invaluable to their investigation. “It’s important to stress that as recently as yesterday love seemed to be all around us. Now, however, it seems to have vanished without a trace. We can only pray that a spark of human tenderness is still alive out there. If so, this nation can rest assured that we will be dogged in our pursuit of bringing back that loving feeling.” At press time, the FBI was under fire for violating thousands of civil liberties in their dragnet search for love.