WASHINGTON—Following this week’s raid on former President Donald Trump’s Florida property, the FBI reportedly turned over documents retrieved from Mar-A-Lago to a dorky desk agent who loves to read.“Have at it, dweeb, you don’t have any friends so you should be able to get through this in no time,” said special agent Franklin Hale, dumping the final box of classified presidential records all over the nerdy agent’s desk as he pushed up his thick-framed glasses in preparation to pore over the documents. “The rest of us are all too busy solving crimes and getting pussy to read all this shit, but this is agent Melvin’s bread and butter—isn’t that right, dickwad?! He eats this stuff up, this little freak is always reading through lunch. Given the nature of these sensitive documents, it was important that we rely on the only loser who could get through this much text.” At press time, the dorky FBI agent was found taking puffs from his inhaler to stave off an asthma attack.
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