WASHINGTON—Following months of analysis into the animal’s stunning good looks, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that genetically modified salmon are far too handsome to eat. “After several rounds of clinical testing, we have determined that these genetically altered fish are safe for human consumption, but between their striking, rugged good looks and the air of devil-may-care competence they exude, no one should want to eat them,” said FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb, particularly noting how the engineered salmons’ pouty lips and lustrous silver-blue sheen masked a deep, instinctual desire to swim upstream and spawn like the intertidal bad boys they are. “These salmon may be raised for greater immunity to waterborne pathogens and to produce higher levels of Omega 3 fatty acids than their wild counterparts, but between their supple, hunky bodies and those eyes—These salmon are farmed and dangerous, honey. Therefore, the FDA cannot recommend them for human consumption at this time.” Gottlieb further warned that no amount of genetic manipulation could take a fish away from its true nature and that handsome or not, salmon would never be as kind-hearted as trout.

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