FDA Moves To Ban All Flavored Jolly Ranchers

WASHINGTON—Amid a recent spike in mysterious confection-related deaths, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday its plan to ban all flavored Jolly Ranchers, allowing only the original flavorless variety to remain on shelves across the nation. “These hard candies are only suitable for consumption by adults, but with flavors like blue raspberry, cherry, watermelon, grape, and green apple, the manufacturer is clearly attempting to target children,” said FDA spokesperson Monica Peters, who added that by removing all sweet and sour variations, including chewable Jolly Rancher gummies and jelly beans, the agency hopes to significantly reduce the number of Americans who go on to develop a lifelong candy habit. “Studies have shown the majority of people who eat Jolly Ranchers are under 18, meaning the parts of their brains that handle higher-level decision-making functions are not yet fully developed. The last thing anyone needs at this age is to be bombarded by so many delicious flavors. We still don’t know exactly how Jolly Ranchers affect long-term cognitive development, but we do know they can lead to dependence on even harder candies, such as jawbreakers or Atomic Fireballs.” Peters went on to note that the Drug Enforcement Administration continues to classify the hot “cinnamon fire” flavor of Jolly Ranchers as a Schedule 1 controlled substance, possession of which constitutes a felony in all 50 states.

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