WASHINGTON—Advising consumers to check their kitchens for contamination as soon as possible, the Food and Drug Administration announced an immediate recall Wednesday of millions of U.S.-sold chili peppers after finding evidence that if you chop them and then touch your junk, your junk will burn. “Due to the serious health threat posed by these peppers, it is vital that you not handle any slices of the affected produce prior to handling your genitalia,” said acting FDA director Janet Woodcock, adding that consumers with chili peppers in their homes should not panic, but should make sure they dispose of them properly and without delay to avoid a prolonged sensation in which their vagina or penis feels like they accidentally lit it on fire. “This is an urgent matter of public safety: If you cut up a jalapeño, serrano, habanero, or other spicy varietal, and then, for any reason, your hand makes contact with your pubic region, that shit will sting like a motherfucker. Our agency has been working quickly to remove these peppers from the market ever since an incident in which we were just trying to make a nice panang curry for dinner and instead wound up doubled over on the floor with an absolutely scorching hot crotch. It sucked so bad.” The FDA stressed this recall was far more serious than its recent onion recalls, noting that while most people recover from salmonella without treatment, relief from chili pepper exposure can require consumers to dip their junk into a cup of milk or, in the most severe cases, a tub of sour cream.
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