SILVER SPRING, MD—Saying the practice represented at best an imperfect way to practice contraception, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration released a study Monday warning that tying one’s penis into a knot only prevented pregnancies in 73% of cases. “Unfortunately, there’s a widespread and prevailing belief among Americans that fastening one’s own penis into a knot with a loop-de-loop and a few bows is a surefire method of birth control,” said FDA spokesperson Kevin Fitzpatrick, who stressed that research showed even the most effective techniques for tying the penis, such as a figure eight or sailor’s-knot, failed to avert pregnancies in more than a quarter of cases. “Of course, this option provides more pleasure to both partners. However, our data suggests putting a kink into a man’s genitals can often result in the penis springing leaks. Worse still are cases in which the sperm builds up at the knot and eventually shoots back up into the man. What we’re saying is there are better options out there.” The FDA added that users of this form of birth control could supplement it by inflating a condom, tying it into a balloon animal, and then placing it on the knotted-up penis.
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