WASHINGTON—Contributing to the sense of alarm spreading across the country, concerns over the food supply escalated Wednesday after the nation’s naughty little boys reportedly snuck into reserve stockpiles and ate up all the sweets. “A sudden disruption to our inventories occurred after several misbehaving young rascals made their way into stores of emergency provisions and helped themselves to every last sugary treat they could get their grubby hands on,” said Food and Drug Administration spokesperson Janice Ehlers, explaining that the mischievous little devils infiltrated reserves after picking locks with coat hangers and climbing onto one another’s backs to get up to the shelves where the chocolate bars, taffy, cakes, and cookies were stored. “We were alerted to their presence by their loud tee-hees, as well as the sounds of their crunching and slurping. By the time we arrived, however, all we found was a pile of discarded candy wrappers and a sorry crew of tubby, frosting-covered scamps who were rolling around on the storehouse floor as they clutched their protruding bellies. To make matters worse, they are, at present, still asking for more dessert.” While Ehlers confirmed the naughty boys deserved a spanking, she went on to admit she could not stay mad at those adorable, chubby-cheeked faces for long.
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