Features Of The New iPhone 7

Illustration for article titled Features Of The New iPhone 7

Apple unveiled the iPhone 7 at a press event Wednesday. Here are some of the smartphone’s new features:

Looks more impressive twirling inside white void during video demonstration

No longer required to dial 9 before making outside call

Put together by a child

Preloaded with 5,000 unread work emails

Lets user set which government agency their data funneled to

New retina display that can only be fully appreciated after laser surgery to enhance vision beyond capabilities of human eyes


Siri will no longer refer to Russia as the U.S.S.R.

Can get a case for it, if you want

Will combust if in the presence of wires

Glass now fractures into even smaller, sharper pieces

Exclusively compatible with Cricket Wireless

Expiration date printed on back allows easy disposal before next iPhone released

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