In today’s Apple keynote, Tim Cook unveiled the highly anticipated iPhone 8 and previewed its new features. Here are some specifications of the new model:


Users must slowly earn Siri’s trust before she will agree to fulfill requests


Faceprint scanner for added security


Introduces wireless charging capabilities and six new defunct cables for your junk drawer

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Simple voice-to-text-to-souvenir-magnet commands


18.5:9 dimensions that adhere to Aristotle’s theoretical perfect aspect ratio for small personal electronics

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Apps no longer leak out when screen cracks


Integrated cross-platform OS makes phone completely unusable unless simultaneously running iWatch, iPad, MacBook, and Apple TV

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Sauce-resistant


Proprietary new phone shape only compatible with pockets of licensed Apple Pants


Preloaded with preview of superior iPhone 9 features

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