Federal Court Rules Sacklers Can Still Go To Heaven

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NEW YORK—In a decision that shields the former owners of Purdue Pharma from personal liability for America’s opioid crisis, the 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled Wednesday that members of the Sackler family could still go to heaven. “It is our determination that the Sacklers should receive immunity from damnation for their crimes so that they may enter into the eternal kingdom and be granted everlasting life,” said Judge Eunice C. Lee, who explained that by paying a $6 billion settlement for their involvement in an addiction crisis that took the lives of 500,000 Americans over two decades, the Sacklers would cleanse the blood from their hands and fully atone for their sins. “Richard, Theresa, David, Jonathan, Ilene, Beverly, Kathe, and Mortimer D.A. Sackler, as well as the souls of their late forbears Raymond and Mortimer, will be guaranteed permanent residence in God’s shining paradise in the clouds. And as far as the justice system is concerned, everyone who died from an OxyContin addiction can go straight to hell.” The court also ruled that the Sacklers would be allowed to sell opioids once more when they entered the gates of heaven.