WASHINGTON—Saying their decision was made in the best interests of the American public, officials from the Department of Interior announced Friday that they have added 600,000 acres to the National Forbidden Zone. “Following extensive surveying, several impact studies, and multiple rounds of public hearings, we determined that these additional lands should be set aside for future generations of Americans to avoid at all costs,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell said of the increase in designated federal darklands, the largest expansion in 20 years to the region first established by the Verboten Territory Act of 1923. “This move will nearly double the amount of public space where pall and shadow reign. Once these new off-limits lands are officially incorporated at the beginning of next year, no citizen shall be permitted to enter, lest they wish to never return.” Secretary Jewell then expressed her hope for an increase in her department’s budget next year, saying the added land would require additional fencing, barricades, and a staff of soothsayers to ward off any potential visitors.

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